The Loss of Your Loved One

Embracing the Grief Process
© 2003 Anna S. Christie
www.evokingchange.com

Grief is a natural and necessary reaction to a significant loss in our lives. It is a healthy human response.

Hearing news that your loved one (or friend) has died will naturally trigger a grief response in all people. It is better for your psychological/spiritual health to welcome this process in all of its stages, rather than trying to ignore it or deny it. Grieving does not mean that you don’t have a “positive attitude”. Quite the contrary. A positive attitude is one that embraces this healthy human response to loss and works through it. What looks like a positive attitude to others may emerge at the end of the process, but if you try to “put it on” at the beginning it won’t fit – and it most likely will feel terrible.

The grief process works in a CYCLE. It is not linear. There are seven stages of grief, but they don’t necessarily go in order. Some you may not visit at all and you may revisit some of them more than once – often unexpectedly. This is not a setback. As you move through the stages the intensity of the feelings will lessen and the length of time they remain with you will grow shorter. The “normality” or happiness you feel at first only for moments will grow into days, weeks and months as you work through this process.

THE SEVEN STAGES OF GRIEF

SHOCK AND FEAR
This is usually the first feeling to hit you. It feels horrible! You may feel completely overwhelmed at the enormous impact of this news – or you may feel numb or like it is not real. You may also be terrified – afraid of the inevitable death of others close to you, even truly realizing for the first time that you will one day die yourself. Fear is a normal part of shock. It is often very difficult for us to realize we are in shock – it may be more apparent to others. Sometimes shock can last for days or even weeks in one form or another. It helps to talk to a spiritual caregiver, counselor or support group about your feelings and fears, especially if you appear to be in shock that is disproportionate to the significance of the loss.

You may wonder why this news has hit you so hard, when the person was not that close to you. Why isn’t anyone else in my family or group of friends this upset? Our grief reaction is ours and ours alone. If you have experienced other sadness or loss in your life that you have not grieved well enough, that old grief will get triggered whenever something else happens. So your experience may indeed be worse than others, because you are grieving not only this loss but the previous one(s) as well. Do not compare yourself with others – this is your own individual journey, and done properly it will lead to your healing.

DENIAL
This feeling often accompanies shock. Your mind immediately says “NO, this is not true”. You may think it’s a dream. This is normal. Denial acts as a buffer to help the body and mind by protecting it from more than you can handle. Feelings of denial come and go, sometimes by the minute. You may question the competence of medical personnel, the other driver, someone who seemed negligent, and you may do so with anger (another stage). You may try to “not think about it” because this feels better. But to stay in denial too long is unhealthy and potentially dangerous. This person really is gone, and you need to try to experience the pain, because this will eventually make you feel better. Denying it may bring temporary relief, but you will ultimately be sad for much much longer.

BARGAINING
When moving in and out of denial, you may find yourself bargaining with God. You will pray as “hard” as you possibly can – even if you’ve never done it before. You will make wild promises and deals in the hopes that suddenly you will “wake up” and everything will be alright again. This is very normal. Not only do we understand this – God understands as well. Sometimes the bargaining process serves us well by showing us what is truly important, or how we really wish we were living our lives.

ANGER
Anger is caused by feelings of helplessness and frustration. Your world has been turned upside-down, and you can’t do a thing about it. Anger is a response of the body to danger – the brain tells us to “flee” or “fight”. We can’t flee this. So “fight” is triggered, and it comes out as anger. It is okay to be angry – it’s part of the process. You may, however, project this anger you feel onto others – family members or friends. I suggest directing it where it belongs – to God. You may believe that everything that happens in human history is God’s will – I’d be angry at God if I believed that! On the other hand, you may believe that God does not cause bad things to happen at all, but God is obviously powerless to prevent it – I’d be angry about that, too! We understand that anger is just a part of the grieving process, so don’t worry – God understands it too. If you don’t believe in God at all, or your personal spirituality doesn’t lead you to be angry at God, you may not be able to figure out what to do with it. Just remember that it’s okay to just be angry. You don’t need an object for your anger.

GUILT
Anger turned inward against yourself produces guilt. You may be filled with thoughts of “if only” and “I should have”. These feelings of self-blame and regret are also normal reactions to grief. Try not to sit in feelings of guilt for too long. Remember that no human relationships are perfect – your loved one understands, especially now, that your intentions deep-down were good.

SADNESS
Sadness comes and goes in the first stages of grief. It may overwhelm you at first and you wonder if you’ll ever be happy again. You will! But attempts to “get happy” too soon without experiencing the other necessary stages will be counterproductive. Unfortunately, you may have to sit back and “let grief happen” to you. Sadness may take the form of floods of tears or periods of depression where nothing seems to matter anymore. Fears of being unable to cope often surface. Expressing sadness is often looked upon by people as a sign of weakness. This can be especially true for men who were taught that to show emotion is “sissy”. The opposite is actually true. It takes incredible strength and courage to go through the grieving process, including crying – let alone doing it openly. Staying in denial and “covering it all up” are easier, and so if anything, are more likely to be a sign of weakness.

ACCEPTANCE
Gradually you will be able to adjust to the reality of your loss. You will begin to think about going on with your life. If you grieve well, you will naturally start to ponder on what kind of meaning you want to bring to the rest of your own life. You will find renewed hope in the chance to put your relationships first (with family, with God) – perhaps for the first time. Soon, you will look back on the initial times of grief and see that your “good days” outnumber your “bad days” and are moving through the healing journey.

WORKING THROUGH GRIEF

There is an old saying, “time heals everything”. This is not true! Time helps, but time will not heal. Grief is work. It requires energy and attention. Here are some things you have to do in order to get through the grief and emerge with spiritual healing:

Face the reality of the loss:
It is necessary to move through shock and denial first to recognize the reality of your loss. Continuing to be angry or deny your loss will not put life back the way it was. It will only serve to prolong your grief process. Talk about your experience to others. This will help make it a reality.

Experience and accept all your emotions:
Express your sadness. Cry. Express your anger, but preferably don’t project it onto “innocent bystanders”! Talk to someone supportive about how angry you are instead. Forgive yourself – let go of guilt. Share your fears with a counselor, religious leader or join a support group. Talking to supportive others is very healing.

Find meaning in life:
Faced with this loss, it is our main task to find meaning in what will be the rest of our lives. What gives meaning to your life? It can be work-related, or found in hobbies. Most likely we come to understand for the first time that true meaning in life is found in our relationships with others, and ultimately with God.

Embrace hope:
“Where there is life, there is hope.” When we first experience any kind of loss, we immediately wish it were not true. To deny grief, however means that we may miss out on some of the important meaning in life. Welcome and embrace your grief! To truly grieve – to deeply feel every feeling that is genuinely human is to embrace life itself in all its fullness.

WHY ME?

This is a question everyone asks in one form or another in times like these. Why did this happen? What did I do to deserve this? I’ve been a good person all my life – why have I now lost someone so precious?

I don’t know why this happened to you. But the comforting thing about it is that nobody else knows either. Perhaps in your religion you believe it is God’s will. But that would still beg the question, “why is this good person dying part of God’s will?” No one knows. What we do know is that nobody deserves to die young or before their time. You or they didn’t do anything to cause this. We also know that sickness and hardship of all kinds seems to be completely random. I’ve worked with people in grief for over 20 years and I’ve never seen any kind of pattern, nor has anyone else I know. It seems to be just a natural human phenomenon that some people get sick or die before their time and others don’t.

It isn’t true that “God gives the greatest burdens to those who can bear them best”. I’ve seen folks unable to bear the burdens they have. Other truly strong spiritual people never seem to have anything bad happen to them. This is just something people say when they don’t know what else to say.

THINGS THAT HELP THE GRIEF PROCESS

Be patient – healing your emotions takes time.
Attend to your physical needs – try to eat as well as you can and rest. Don’t turn to alcohol or drugs. They prolong and complicate the grief process anyway.
Give yourself permission to take it easy at home – change your living patterns. The dust on the furniture doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.
Keep a journal about your feelings. Vent in there. It helps to process it.
Be honest with family members. They can handle it – really. Don’t try to protect others from the “truth” – especially children. This robs family members of finding meaning in their own lives and relationships. They may be initially upset at the news, but they, too, can work through their grief and come to a deeper, more meaningful and joyful life if you let them.
Never try to “protect” others – especially children – from painful feelings. This can actually be quite dangerous. Painful feelings are healing.
Turn to God. If you haven’t been a practicing religious person, try returning to the faith of your ancestors. Every religion provides a meaningful depth of spirituality. A relationship with God is strength-giving, hope-filled and healing.